I used to wonder if I was any good all the time. I wondered if my graphic design work was any good. I wondered if my poetry or my piano playing was any good. It made me shy about my work, uncertain, afraid to share my work.

Then I read this incredible poem by W.S. Merwin that gave me a new perspective. The poem is called “Berryman” and it’s a portrait of his teacher, the great poet John Berryman. It’s the ending that gets me. The young poet asks his teacher how to know if his work is any good. This is his reply:

I felt skewered when I read that. There’s not much I love more than being sure! But once I got over myself, I started to see the freedom this poem points toward.

Now, I think we all know when we’re relatively good—by that I mean better than we were before, which is very satisfying. If enough people you respect say you’re good—maybe you believe them and feel a bit surer (maybe!). And of course, we all need to learn to be critical of our work in order to hone it. That’s a key skill.

But the real power I got out of this poem is that whether you think I’m good or not is none of my business. It’s not my job to figure out my worth as an artist. That’s somebody else’s job. I also think Berryman is suggesting this is an ongoing question—I’ll never know, so I might as well quit fussing and let that one go.

Embracing process

For me the question of whether I’m any good interferes in the process. I paint or make music because I enjoy doing those things—I love the sensuality of paint, the incredible qualities of tone you can produce at a piano. There’s something there that really engages me, and I feel fantastic when I’m genuinely immersed in the flow of creating. It’s not all roses, roses, but there’s a possibility of being really alive and whole-hearted. When the end result becomes my focus, I lose the joy and the flow. I muck it all up with worry and tension.

And then there’s our weird expectation that we’ll be good at something if not immediately, then pretty damn soon. I just started painting seriously a year ago. My paintings are significantly better than they were a year ago. I am moving towards something. Will I get there? Will I be good? I don’t know and there is no way to know for sure.

I also found this quote from Kurt Vonnegut very helpful. It’s been doing the rounds online, so you might have seen it:

I don’t want to be all Pollyanna about this. People have to make a living, and sometimes making stuff is hard and discouraging. But it seems clear that the more we can let go of our worries and get closer to the child-like joy of creating, the better our art will get.

Now, I am not claiming I’ve become completely Zen about all of this. I still worry about whether my work is any good. But I worry less. It doesn’t interfere with the process as often. I’m free more often. I am a work in progress.

The painting shown is untitled at the moment, 24×24″ acrylic on canvas. It’s the beginning of a new series I’ll be releasing later this fall. 

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